


Alienated

by Xx_Yvonne_xX



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Little Homeworld, Past Abuse, Visions in dreams
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2020-10-28 00:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20769635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xx_Yvonne_xX/pseuds/Xx_Yvonne_xX
Summary: After getting her colony on Homeworld, Pink Diamond remembers leaving Spinel behind in the Garden and returns for her.Thousands of years later, Steven discovers a bubble hiding in the chest in lion's mane.





	1. Remember Me...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An AU where instead of Spinel being left behind for 6000 years, forgotten and abandoned, Pink Diamond remembers her.
> 
> ... That doesn't necessarily make anything better.
> 
> Takes place where the flashbacks found in 'Now We're Only Falling Apart' were replaced by this plotline.

Having a colony was nothing like what Pink had expected it to be. 

It wasn't sparkles in her eyes as she let her gaze trail after life. It wasn't bursts of joy where she'd hold her hands up to her face, letting out an excited squeal in utmost delight. It wasn't watching the smallest creatures with a foolish looking grin on her face.

Well, at least it wasn't like this now, with her looking through files after files on the basics of Earth. 

Sitting rather casually on her throne, Pink Diamond watches as the screen flashes-- a monotonous sound following each switch. _Beep. Beep._ There were things she'd much rather be doing now-- like being _there,_ on Earth, not staring through a screen on Homeworld, _watching_ it.

She caught Pearl staring up at her, gaze lingering a little too long. The smaller figure seemed fearful, very much so, assuming a formal posture while with her hands clasped in front of her. 

"Could you imagine that running a colony would be this dull?" She tries, a hint of a mischievous smirk flashing across her facial expression, expecting Pearl to add on to her thoughts. Share whatever emotions she felt. Rant with her about her first and only colony. 

"I could imagine it, if you would like me to, my Diamond."

Oh. 

_Right_.

Sinking back to her seat, she frowned, perturbed, looking away listlessly. 

"Hm. We should wrap up here, I think we're done for the day." She knows her work is far from being done or completed in the slightest. She tries Pearl anyway, almost daring, _taunting_ her to challenge her thinking. At least even remind her of her duties. 

"Yes, my Diamond."

Ugh. Of course. 

Pearl, who had just been assigned to her, was foreign. Programmed to serve. Her sentences are short and deliberate, meant for only a sole purpose- to answer whatever queries she herself had. Pearls weren't supposed to be chatty, it was carved in their gem that they needed to act in line.

She shouldn't have forgotten.

But still, Pink found herself to be utterly disappointed, even more bored as Pearl zapped away a hologram of the Earth elegantly. If only there was something interesting. Something that didn't involve her status, her identity as a leader, somewhere she could openly go, and--

"The orb." She whispered. 

That was it! The orb on Homeworld's base-- the one that had a distinct shape of Homeworld in a miniature form. She remembered seeing it once, how the room would fade away into the exact place, moulding different characters that were present in that place at that moment.

"Finally, something exciting to do!"

Unable to conceal her excitement, she squeals, grabbing a very confused Pearl with her to the warp.

* * *

She'd gleefully sprinted straight to where the orb was once they reached, careful to not let any wandering eyes catch her in the act of doing so. Crouching in front of it in amazement, she reaches out to touch it without waiting for the hurrying Pearl, much to her dismay. The room lit up at once.

"Quick, Pearl!" Pink exclaims, waving her over. "It's my first time using the orb. I want you to witness it."

She watched as Pearl stares on, dumbfounded at how she was _involving_ her instead of using her. Slowly, she managed a shaky nod. 

"A- as you wish, my Diamond. I would be here to assist you if necessary." She bows, looking flustered at how Pink was beaming, a stark contrast from how she was just now.

Grinning, Pink Diamond then reaches out and touches the orb, sliding to the right. It spins, wildly at first, showing a different array of maps, only slowing down when she swiped it the other way round. Laughing a little awkwardly, she glances at Pearl, who seemed to be hiding a blush and a smile.

She tapped the places with growing astonishment. Some were familiar, some weren't, being Blue, Yellow and White's territory. She found herself incredibly awed as she stared on. 

"What's this place?" Pink points at a foreign looking hunk of rock that was isolated from the other grand buildings of the Diamonds. Pearl examined it for a moment.

"It's The Garden, My Diamond."

"The... _Garden_?" Her eyes widened immediately.

Cautiously, she tapped the spot, watching as the scene fades away. She had been almost unable to recognise the place.

With a view from the warp pad she could see that the place has changed significantly. From lush flowers and rich bushes, the garden seemed to have downgraded to some sort of filthy swamp, the plants dark and deep, thorns that were sprouted twining around the chunks of carefully built rock. 

It all seemed so fragile, everything caught in a moment, like everything would fade to dust if she even tried to touch it. The wilted petals, the lack of aura from the last time she was here, the lack of _life_.

Her pupils constricted when she focuses on a tiny pink blot a fair distance away.

"Pearl." A little frantic now, she waves her hands, "Magnify this part here for me. Quick." She bit her lip nervously as the other nods and presses on the spot, dragging her thumb and index finger apart on the observation orb.

In an instant, Pink finds herself face-to-face with a glowing Spinel, who seems to be unaffected by her surroundings, hands placed neatly to the side. 

Despite how everything is dying out around her, she still seems so vibrant.

"M-my Diamond?" Pearl stammers, tone curt and fearful, "this is..."

"Warp us straight to the Garden_ at once_, Pearl."

"--as you wish, my Diamond."

Pink's legs had been frozen into place even after she had said that. She continued to stare for a while more, how the gem barely even fidgeted, like she was, herself, a still picture. What moved ever so slightly was her crinkled smile, waiting, the happiness seemingly stretching to her eyes. 

_How long had it been already?_ The paralyzing thought spread through her icily, making her shiver. She clenched her fists as she walked over to the warp where Pearl was waiting, her legs twitching with the impulse to not face it. Not face _her_.

It's been... 250 years, hadn't it?

She had expected Spinel to run off at the end of the second year, something like that. Given her bubbly, restless personality, she'd expected her to warp back on her own. 

But she _stayed_.

Just because of one silly command she'd given.

She bit her lip as Pearl transports them over to the place that seemed ever so foreign.

Pink Diamond had had so many things she wanted to say. She could apologise. She could pretend this never happened. She could pretend they were really playing a game, and that she had accidentally left for a few years too many.

Spinel would be angry; of course she would be. She'd know that a game shouldn't have taken so long. Surely the smile was of a sour one; a façade to hide her messy, ugly feelings underneath?

Pink pondered over the possibilities, trying to figure a way to calmly communicate later on.

"Pink!"

All of her thoughts dissipated when the first thing she heard was an overbearing shriek of joy from the other gem that had been waiting. Spinel had grinned, clambering up to meet them, pulling her feet up with force, breaking them apart from the entwining dark thorns. Her hair is slightly ruffled, but her gaze remained joyous as she staggered towards them, bouncing, not even a hint of anger on her expression. "Did I win the game?" She giggles, "I did, didn't I?" 

She was so animated, just like how she was on the day Pink left her.

And Pink Diamond found herself rendered speechless. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish's, unsure of what to say, agape.

"What... Game?" Pearl asked carefully. Her gaze was wary towards this gem and she seemed almost worried of her harming them, her hands coming out to shield Pink from Spinel.

But Spinel only grins wider, cocking her head as she stared at Pearl considerably. "Pinky didn't tell you? Ooh, that must be because it was a _big_ secret." Her limbs stretched out playfully, holding Pearl close like she was her friend. She raised a pink gloved hand like she was to whisper, "Pink played a game with me. She told me to stand _still_ and wait, and I _did~~_! I won!" She exclaimed, breaking into laughter, doing a head stand and pressing her feet together, making a squishy sound.

Surprise suddenly tainted her features as she realised something. She turned herself over so she was standing straight again. "Wait. You're a new gem! Are you here to play, too? Oh, oh, wait!" She grinned from eye to eye, nudging her new 'friend', "Pink must've told you a lot. What did she say about me, what did she say?"

Pink reached forward, trying to steer the conversation to another topic, noticing where this was going. "I--"

"She... Never once mentioned you," Pearl states bluntly, lacking any remorse, face blank at the rowdy gem before her.

"What?" Spinel's face darkened. "No, no, she must've at least _thought_ of me. She must've told someone else! This is just a game you're playing, to _trick_ me! Right, Pink?" She turned towards her. 

Abruptly, it was silent. Pink found herself unable to say anything. 

Spinel's eyebrows furrowed. At first, it had been confusion, followed by sadness, then pure, embroidered anger. "Wait. If you didn't think or told anyone about me for these 250 years, then what exactly were you doing..." Her eyes narrowed, now in little slits, "... with _her_?" Her gaze, piercing, diverts towards Pearl.

Her tone is now careful and sharp, realisation kicking in. "Are you suggesting that you forgot about me being _here_, Pink?" 

"No." Pink diverts her gaze. "Well... Sort of, but--"

"Sort... _Of_?!" Spinel's face crumbles, her eyes jabbed with disappointment, "You were having so much fun you _forgot_?! About _ME_?!"

"No. I was... I was busy with my colony." Pink tries.

"Then why did you not bring _ME_ with you?!" Grief-striken, Spinel demands in disbelief, fists clenched as she grits her teeth. She looked like she was holding back tears, her heart-shaped hair turning into something darker, wilder. "You could bring a _Pearl_, and not me? Why _not_?!"

"Look, Spinel, we can just.... Forget this whole thing ever happened." Exasperated, Pink sighs, putting her hands out. "I don't want to argue any further; it's pointless."

"How are you gonna forget with _me_ around?" Spinel snaps, her jaw taut with anger, "Don't pretend you want me with you any longer. What's _your_ plan for me, huh? You gonna put me somewhere? You gonna leave me somewhere? You gonna leave me _alone_ again, pretending this is just some form of game?!"

"Spinel, I don't _WANT_ to hurt you!" She bursts, voice loud and reverberating throughout the garden.

"YOU ALREADY _HAVE_!"

Spinel throws a heavy punch towards Pink, who ducks it easily. With her body, though, the smaller gem's advantage of twisting her limbs caused her to be able to knock Pink back to the ground. Pearl gasped, eyes following suit at the movement, quickly crying out in fear as she reached helplessly for something that will have to do as a weapon.

"I used to be just _not_ good enough, wasn't I? I just wasn't memorable enough for you before, and now - _now_... " She raised her voice, with it breaking at the edge, as she brought her fists down to Pink's gem, "I'M NOT EVEN WORTH YOUR TIME, AREN'T I?!"

Before she could truly land a hit, Spinel felt a strong stab at where her abdomen would have been.

She twitched, her gaze growing distant, tears forming at the edge of her eyes. There was silence for a while as she stared at the weapon that had been forced, like hot iron, across her form.

And that's when she started to laugh. Dry, choked rasps, like she was crying and laughing.

She grasps Pink's shoulders, squeezing hard, biting her lip so harshly she was trembling. "_I hate you_," She hisses, her last words coiled with such hatred it was almost like venom. And with that, she was gone, lost to a disperse of smoke, the heart-shaped gem landing onto the ground with a splinkering, lonely sound. 

"......"

Pink swiped her thumb onto her cheek, catching where Spinel's tear had landed. She stares at it silently, unusually silent for a moment as she stood.

"M... My Diamond." A squeaky, timid voice spoke up in front of her. "I... I didn't mean to..."

Pearl seemed very afraid, in her hands a spear-looking weapon that was rusty and intertwined with dark thorns, something she'd obviously found at the last minute. The tip was sharp and had drove through Spinel, the very thing that poofed her just now.

She dropped the weapon, stepping back, uttering negative connotations that she needed to be replaced immediately.

But Pink could hardly hear anything else. In her mind was static, just buzzings of silence, of Spinel's pure hatred against her. She weighed her options, sighed at last and bubbled it instead.

"Let's just go, Pearl."


	2. Secrets You Can't Keep

"In the end, you're just a disappointment, aren't you, _Pink_?" White's smooth voice echoed over the room. Although not physically present, her Pearl was, face morphed with a disturbingly sickened smile stretching up to the corner of her cheeks. "A disappointment I'd rather not speak about. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that Blue and Yellow wanted you around, I would've _changed_ you."

"White, you know you don't want to be like this." Pink chokes out, stepping back, suddenly rendered speechless as her original Pearl towered over her. Her voice is almost a bare, unintelligible whisper while she glanced up with both eyes shining of unmistakable fear.

"Oh, starlight, I know I do." The Pearl pulls out an electrical whip from her gem, sparks of rage lighting up the entire room. "Well, if you can't be competent, I'm sure I can teach you to be just that, since your morals have been warped." She slapped her whip to the ground, making a bright sound that came with that.

"Now, who am I?"

"W-white."

"White _who_?"

"White D-Diamond."

"And who are _you_?"

"Pink. _Diamond_," She adds, a rough touch, almost barely able to speak, teeth clenched.

"And? I'm sure you're capable of explaining what a _Diamond's_ for, aren't you, Pink?"

"I'm sorry, White."

"Don't be _sorry_, tell me what you're made for and show me you'd _be_ just that!"

She gave her a lash for each answer. 

Pink had to bite her lip to prevent herself from screaming as she felt the pulsing whip strike her countless times on end. The burning feeling as heat scorched onto her form, the burns that remained on her body after each lash. Pink lines spread all over her form, ready to poof, prevented by the nature of White's tortorous weapon.

"You thought you were so _amazing_; saving the Earth's puny creatures, _weren't you_." White Diamond's voice hissed, "I'll tell you something--" She gripped Pink's chin, seizing her up with a treacherous expression, "You. Mean. _Nothing_."

She was then dropped to her knees immediately after, with her smirking superior gaining on her once again as she stepped on her gem roughly and smeared dust that caked her heel onto her face.

"You could've been just like me, starlight," White's laugh reverberated throughout the area, pulling back the squirming Diamond effortlessly, "Or worse, maybe take a dip to just Yellow and Blue's level." Shaking her harshly, the Pearl leans in, her eyes threatening. "And what a joke you turned out to be instead. Did you have fun being like this? _Hm_?" With a gruesome twist, Pink was left limp on the floor grunting with pain.

"Stay here and think about what you've done, Pink _Diamond_." White's voice dripped with sarcasm. Without another word, the Pearl slipped out of sight and disappeared.

* * *

The world swirled around her in mists of smoke as Pink drifted in and out of consciousness, the pain that spread about her form taking a while to quell.

Memories had struck back one by one, causing her to go into a turmoil. Her eyes, her head, her gem hurt - and no matter how hard she tried, it didn't go away.

She screamed, not even able to hear herself beneath the whining and shouting thoughts of her own. Everything was fighting for her attention, squeezing into the core of her brain and wailing for immediate response. Clutching her head, she roared again, dropping to the ground limply and crushing the small, uncomfortable tiles she was laying on.

It had hurt so bad.

_Everything_ had hurt so bad.

It felt like an eternity later when the door to the prison tower opened once more, letting in a slip of filtered light.

Pink squinted her eyes and sat up drowsily, her fists clenched on the ground as she struggled not to cry. Who was it again? _White_? Or her Pearl?

"Pink."

Blurried forms danced around her vision as Yellow Diamond and Blue Diamond came into the room, their expression tense and in one of anger and worry. Pink barely moved but merely did all she could to blink, signalizing the least bit of liveliness. 

"Yellow. Blue. _Help me_. _Please_." Wasn't this exactly what she had said months ago? She was so tired, bound by Homeworld's rules.

"How do you expect us to help you?" Yellow narrowed her eyes, "White is very unhappy with your performance. We can barely do much to appease her."

"I _don't_ want you to appease her," Pink struggles to speak, "I want you to bring me _out_ of here."

Yellow Diamond's expression softened considerably. "Hmh. I wish we could, too, but..."

"Argh! Why are we talking about this right now?!" Blue seems visibly uncomfortable, clasping her hands at her face. "We need to think of a strategy to help Pink manage Earth."

"_No_! I don't want the colony anymore!" She pleads, "Blue, please. You _have_ to trust me this time. Earth is full of life-- you can't destroy it like that!"

"Do you _see_ what kind of a monstrosity you're turning into because of that planet?!" Blue Diamond stressed, emitting a blue aura, causing Pink to tear up as she collapses back onto the ground. "You look pathetic. And once we try to help you, you refuse it. Why won't _you_ let us help you, _Pink_?"

"Stop that!" Yellow butts in, "We agreed to have a normal conversation. No tears, no-- urgh." She folded her arms. "This is ridiculous."

"Why do you _always_ do this to us, Pink?" Blue laments, leaning against the wall.

_This is all your fault...._

* * *

"Wuh!" Steven wakes up abruptly, finding himself in Pink Diamond's palace. He looks around, fear corrupting his heart for a minute, and after realising that he was safe and everyone was safe, he sighed audibly. 

The pebbles were all staring at him, silently watching him as he sat up and wiped his face of the tears. His throat felt hoarse, like he had been screaming.

"_Pink_," A small pebble wobbles over, carefully, holding a key. All of them looked solemn as they let him take it, a golden key that bore the ornate top of olden day's craftsmanship. Despite how it seemed to already be in their hands for a long time, it came up as if the sunshine itself had polished it anew. "_We found this while you were asleep, and we thought we should give it back to you." _They explained in their tiny voices.

Bubbling with questions, but not quite sure how to feel, Steven shallowly bids them farewell and quickly left through the warp to Earth.

...

Everything seems to be silent. 

Too silent, too peaceful compared to the overwhelming screams he had heard of Pink in his dream.

Trudging along the tracks on Earth, he couldn't help but fish the key out and peek at it a few times more. The longer he looked at it, the deeper the carved lines drew him in, as if daring him to see something out of the ordinary.

Steven found himself walking towards Lion immediately. He's speechless, suddenly mute, suddenly so much less animated, like he was programmed. 

He wondered if that was what Pink-- his _mom_ \-- had felt like.

Is that why she was so eager to go? 

The chest remains unmoving despite the years it had been there. He stuck the key inside the lock and twisted it slightly, finding it clicking, and finally, giving way. 

Noise suddenly rushed back to him in an instant. The fun in music, the joy when he danced, the singing with everyone. 

Cradling the bubble inside the chest, Steven could hardly tell how he was feeling.

Trepidation? Amazement? 

He wasn't quite sure anymore.

Why would mom want to hide a gem, locked away in a chest like this?

He weighed his options and dropped out of Lion's mane.

There's only one way to find out.


	3. Found

The sudden pop sound had been what dragged Spinel back to reality.

It had been like an awakening. Her gem was suddenly alive, _allowed_, the bubble encasing her no more.

Everything was flooding back at once, slipping back into what made her whole. Her memories that had been safely encased seemed to suddenly be shoved back towards her, giving back her way of thinking, her emotions. She's abruptly _feeling_, the sense itself so foreign she hadn't even recognised it. 

It was until she had dropped to the ground had she looked up, shaky, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Just a second ago, she had been fighting Pink Diamond, with her Pearl poofing her directly using some rusty weapon from the Garden. The anger, the hurt came back in waves, pain swelling up in her throat.

She anxiously looked to her sides, repeatedly checking for signs of danger that would not come. The sights of the Garden was gone, replaced by one of a strange-looking base, with a human staring back at her, looking as stunned as she was.

_Where was Pink Diamond?_

"Who _are_ you?" Spinel hisses, mind still a surging perplexity. Without waiting for an answer from him, she scans the area, making her way around it. 

"Steven. I'm, uh, a part of the crystal gems."

"I've never heard of that before." Spinel utters coldly, marching down stairs that seemed to her like cheap wooden quality. "Where did you find me?" Narrowing her eyes, she added, "Do you know where Pink Diamond is?"

_I'll be sure to confront her if she was._

"Uh, I just found you in my lion. You were hidden away in some sort of chest-- and I had only found the key to it recently." The Steven human rambles on, staring at her a little dumbfoundedly. "What's with those... Those things?" He trails a hand down from his own eye to his chin, depicting the ugly, scornful masks on her skin which looked like tears.

"That's just my new style." Spinel shrugged. "Thanks, I guess, for saving me. But I've got to go. I'm looking for someone. Someone I hate enough to _shatter_."

Just as Steven opened his mouth to speak, the wooden door creaked open. A bundle of gems walked in idly like they had been used to doing that, chatting away, their cheerful voices immediately stopping once they saw her. 

What Spinel instantaneously noticed, though, was the _Pearl_ that stood amongst them.

She'd never forget that face, not after how _she_ was the one who got to stand _beside_ Pink Diamond. Narrowing her eyes, she glares towards her directly, making her jump.

"What... are _you_ doing here?" Icy hostility marked her every word. She's clenching her fist so hard, her gritted teeth seething with anger with an effort to keep it all within herself. From her form she exuded an animosity that was like ice-- sharp, piercing, and very, very cold.

"S-Spinel..." The flustered gem fiddled with her hands, an incredibly forced smile splayed on her face while she struggled to say her next words. Noticing her look, she recoiled slightly, lacing her fingers together in alarm.

"You know her, Pearl?" The Steven human asked, startled. The fusion and Amethyst echoed his questioning, confused on who exactly she had been. 

Each word stung and only served to fuel the fire that burnt inside of her, knowing that Pink had possibly bubbled her away for years without possibly letting anyone _but the Pearl_ know. Her fists began to shake, her jaw rooted with anger. 

"It was you." She mutters, her voice sounding so empty compared to the crowd just now. "Both of you bubbled me away like it was nothing. Like _I_ was nothing."

"Spinel--"

"Shut _UP_!" She swung around, mentally snapping, angrily flinging herself forward to Pearl, gripping her by her neck.

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A SINGLE WORD YOU SAY!" With a swing of her hand, the other gem flew across the room and crashed into the wall without being able to dodge.

"Both of you. _Both_ of you were in this together to get _RID_ of me. And it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?" Pointing at her accusingly, her words begun having more emphasis as the second went by. "How long has it been? 5000 years? 6000 years? Oh, but it doesn't matter, since _I WAS_ gone, right?" 

"Go ahead. I wouldn't fight back. I deserved it." The defeated gem mumbled in an extremely slurred voice, raising her head when Spinel attempted to break free from the Steven's grasp.

"THAT'S RIGHT! YOU _DESERVED_ IT!" Spinel screamed back, struggling wildly, her limbs in a frenzy with how the other gems were now yanking at it, yelling at her to calm down. She shoved them all towards the corners of the wall, stepping towards the Pearl, staring at her with an expression of utter, explicit disgust.

"Wait!" Steven spoke up suddenly, clenching what seemed like an injured arm. "You're... You're looking for Pink Diamond, aren't you?"

Her eyebrows shot up at that name. She turns, regarding him with faint interest, like a snake about to coil about its prey, close to strangling it. "And?" She pries.

"I... I'm Pink Diamond's son. I have her gem." He raised his shirt, revealing a pink gem that had been all too familiar. "So, if you want to take your anger out on _her_, you should do it... On me _instead_!"

Spinel's expression changed in the instant she saw his gem. It was like the disappointment in her had faded completely to become something more like anger, something boiling, cackling inside of her, waiting to explode. "So you're still _here_."

"Yeah, I-- I can help you. We all can. I don't know what mom did, but I--"

"You expect me to believe anything you say now, Pink?!" Spinel roars. She extends her leg and kicks Steven further into the imprint on the wall, twisting her foot on his face maliciously. "Don't you _fucking dare_ to play sympathy now after what you've done." 

"Spinel! This is between US!" Pearl shrieked, tossing her spear in her direction. Spinel dodged easily, staring hard at the human boy in front of him, then at the murderous look on the crystal gem's faces as they summoned their weapons. 

"Let go this instant, or else." The square-head gem was gritting her teeth, like she was holding herself back, her moves calculated and precise.

"Oh? What's the matter; why won't you try to fight me?" She thunders, shaking her head as she nudged her foot to apply more pressure on the Steven's face. "Are you scared of fighting me? I'm telling you, you're pointing your weapons the wrong way. Pink Diamond's the one you should be afraid of!"

"So _what_?" The small Amethyst burst out. Spinel turns towards her, eyes crinkled in confusion and anger, not understanding. "I mean, yeah, she did hide a lot of stuff from us. All of us. We didn't even _know_ who she was two years ago." She threw out her arms in exasperation, quickly running a hand through her hair, an earnest expression taking over.

"But that doesn't mean life can't go on, right? She hurt us. She hurt every one of us, 'cause we're all bonded to her in our own special way but she... Wasn't who we thought she is."

"Well, aren't _you_ mad?" Spinel retorts, her arms clenching tighter. 

"We are. But that doesn't mean we gotta be mad forever, y'know." Amethyst lifts her hair slightly, exposing both eyes. "That's the whole point. You can't just live in the past forever, she's... Gone. And you gotta just live with that, except that you know things are different now since you're not suffering anymore."

Pink Diamond was... Gone.

Spinel's narrowed eyes slowly grew wide. She stares at the whimpering kid she was still stepping on, at the gems staring back at her, the silence growing into something like a prick the longer it went on. Speechless, she drew back her foot, her fists still clenched but the anger within her dissipating.

What... What was she _doing_?

She'd messed up so bad. Pink Diamond wasn't even here, she'd been just fussing over _nothing_.

The memory of the gems laughing as they came in came back to her in an instant, the memory so jarring it hurt. Had they moved on, too, despite how much it hurts? Had they found it pointless to stay mad at someone forever?

Spinel turns and flees out of the door, unsure of where exactly she was going. Everything seems to be in a turmoil, and it aches, but...

It'd be meaningless if she were to dwell on it any longer.

That doesn't mean her feelings don't matter, does it?

She bumps into someone amidst all her crying, lost in thought, the blunt force of a collision knocking her back. She's shaking so hard she can't even formulate an apology or even see who the person was in front of her.

"Hey, can't you watch your--? oh no." The blurred figures in front of her immediately quit yapping once they saw the ugly sniffles she was doing and the tears smeared on her cheeks. Spinel blinks her tears away, not wanting any sympathy. Her eyes defensive and fearful, she quickly stood and attempted to leave. 

A hand grasped her wrist.

"Wait, uh, I didn't mean to say that." In front of her seemed to be a Bismuth, her rainbow hair becoming clearer as Spinel wiped tears off her puffy face. "It's just that you took me by surprise. You alright?"

Behind her was a Peridot floating on a trash lid and a Lapis Lazuli, both of which sharing an awed and stunned look as they took her appearance in. Though all of them had similar-looking stars on their outfits, they had a look that wasn't too clashing, bearing an ethereal aura to them instead.

She nods, feeling like she'd lost her voice. All she wanted now was to be alone, to get out of this miserable state she was in.

"Did someone hurt you?" Peridot came nearer, examining her closely. Spinel shuffles backwards, shrinking back uncomfortably. "Your gem looks okay. You're looking really freaked out, though."

"Step back," Lapis cuts in sharply, using a hand to push Peridot back. "I know what happened. She's acting just like how I was years ago." She shot Spinel an empathetic look, backing off slightly. "Do you want us to bring you out of here? We've a place around here, and we could get you settled in a spot with no other gems."

A spot with no one else but herself sounded way more than ideal right now.

But Spinel found herself holding back. She stares at those gems, unsure of whether she should trust them. Their eyes seemed clear and their smiles genuine, but Pink, too, had somehow tricked her with the innocent, delicate face of hers.

She'd never forget how dodgy Pink had been towards her. How years of her staying there had just been forgotten about, just another chapter for her to conveniently end.

"Maybe you could just follow us for a bit?" Bismuth tries, shrugging, "If you see the place, you might change your mind."

She stares towards the Lapis, who wasn't pushing her in the least bit, and the Peridot who seemed to be a little more accepting.

Still trembling, she accepts the hand of the Bismuth and lets her lead the way.

* * *

"This is it," Peridot declares as she floats into the huge place they call Little Homeworld, buildings of different varieties set up in all sorts of places. She recognised some from Homeworld but didn't utter any words, feeling the lack of a need to vocalise any thoughts.

The quantity of gems living around here were what surprised her. Spinel felt a wave of panic wash over her at the sight of so many dutifully attending to their own roles, some working on the constructions, some socializing with other humans, some simply lazing around or doing strange human things. 

The place was nothing short of grand despite how homey it might seem. Freshly cut flowers lingers at the corner of every path, roses carved in a perfect shade of bloom; elaborate doors leading to entrance halls that seemed so sparkly that it would bathe the whole place in light. As if to make a stark contrast, smaller, plain looking houses were situated right beside the grand suite, holding gems which choose to live together as roommates.

She clutched the hem of her shirt as she stared around, afraid to take any step further that she wasn't instructed to do. Bismuth guides her to one of the houses where it was complete and furnished like an actual human home, little bottles of soda open and documents fluttering about the wooden table. The chair was pushed out and the bed looked barely in place, like someone had fallen out of it. 

"We kinda live here. It's a little messy, but that's just 'cause we do things this way." The other gem explained, clearing up the paper into a neater pile. "You can stay here for now."

Her tone was so natural, so understanding, nothing like her angry one just moments ago. Spinel stares at her, a little dumbfounded at how she was accepted so quickly.

"You... Want me around?" She found herself saying, cautious, "All... of you?"

"Yeah. I mean, why not?" Bismuth gestures out to the gang of gems ahead of her, "We're all gems. And gems stick together. So it's a given that we want you around."

"Besides, a Spinel gem like you seem to have an actual functional purpose around here, since entertainment is very much needed!" Peridot adds on, wincing when she feels Lapis elbow her. Bismuth stares at her unapologetically.

"Look, Spinel." Lapis crouches down slightly to meet her gaze. "I know you probably find all of these things strange and very foreign to you. I know you don't trust me, but I'm still going to say it. I don't know what you've been through or where you've been, but we've always got room for one more, okay?"

And for the first time in many, many years, Spinel finds herself beaming as she nods.


	4. Playing Games

The next few weeks spent with the gems had been nothing but fun. Spinel found herself actually liking the group that she was placed in. It wasn't that much of a huge group where she'd feel overwhelmed by the contrast in their attitudes and actions-- but it wasn't so much of a small group where she would get lonely, either.

She found herself holding on with dear life to the lid of a trashcan, hovering with Peridot above her while they wandered across Beach City. She'd gasp with stars in her eyes as Lapis took her flying, giving her a tour in the mystical clouds, and she had grinned the brightest when Bismuth gave her her first ever weapon-- the Rejuvenator, as how Spinel had decided to name it. It was a black scythe-like weapon that could be activated and deactivated with the press of a button, cackles of pink energy bursting from it from time to time. 

She'd thanked Bismuth profusely for that, unable to conceal her excitement as she tried wielding it around to her will. It seemed to match her very well, a complimentary touch to the pink tones in her skin.

They'd go on missions together, gathering some corrupted gems which have yet to be healed. Spinel would be filled in about stories of Pink Diamond, about the things she did in her absence, about how she resided on Earth afterward with a new identity. 

Each time she'd share a little bit about how she felt, too. About how she didn't hate Pink Diamond-- but rather felt like she needed some sort of explanation, affirmation on why she was treated this way. But none of the gems beraded her for it. They simply understood and digested the information, careful not to step on any landmines that triggered her afterward.

She thought that she liked that. The feeling of growing up with someone else. The feeling of starting to forget something negative, and starting to move on.

* * *

That's how Spinel found herself lazing on the couch merely a few months after living with the gems. Now introduced to the comfort they would indulge in, she found herself sleeping and sometimes merely laying down, despite it being devoid of purpose. It gave her a chance to reflect, to think back on every experience she had.

And she found herself to be happy, without it hurting her at the same time, when she'd feel guilty of whether this was allowed of her.

"Spinel?" A voice snapped her out of her thoughts. All traces of sleepiness dwelled instantly and she sat up at attention.

"Whut?"

"Eh, nothing much. We're just gonna check up on Little Homeworld and see if the new buildings are doing fine. You wanna come?" Lapis cast a look towards her, expectant.

_Little Homeworld, huh..._

Spinel rocks back and forth on her heels, considering, making squishy noises along with a thoughtful expression. "Will all of you be going?" 

She looked over towards the couch where Peridot was sitting, who seemed to still be using her powers to fiddle with a pen in the air. The green gem was quiet, way too quiet, to be honest. With the crowd of gems now standing behind her, Spinel expected her to at least flinch and look up, but she barely moved like she was caught up in some sort of trance.

"Peridot? What the heck are you doing?" Bismuth voiced her thoughts openly as she followed her blank gaze, seemingly bewildered once she noticed she was staring at nothing. Her fingers were curled around her palms, almost trembling.

She barely even moved when Spinel called her once more and moved a hand in front of her face.

"Peridot?" Lapis whispers, confused, shrugging her shoulders when the green gem didn't respond, either. Cautiously, all three of them placed their hands on her shoulders simultaneously, shaking her, watching as she jerked out of her trance.

"_WAH_!" The pen drops on the floor with a shaky thud. Peridot stands up immediately and shook their hands free off of her, looking almost petrified. "What were you all doing?"

"What were _you_ doing?" Lapis shot back, gaze challenging. "You looked like you were possessed."

"Are you alright?" Spinel adds, stretching one of her hands to place on Peridot's shoulder. The green gem merely pursed her lips a little nervously and shook it off politely. 

"It's nothing. Let's go now." She's obviously distracted, her tone hiding something. Quickly catching on to the fact that Spinel was following them, she turned, forcing a smile. "Wait, Spinel, why don't you stay here and keep Pumpkin company?" 

"But--"

"Remember how she went missing last time just because all four of us were out? Well, maybe you can look after her this time." Her smile stretched wider, "Right?"

She'd turned and left before Spinel could even object. The pink gem's eyes stayed on the door as they left, the light from outside shutting out with the closing of the door. Faint stirrings of worry and unease stung her eyes again, and in her throat was an uncomfortable lump. Were they fed up with her already? Had they wanted her to leave?

Peridot had been acting strange towards her for a while now. At first, she'd been so welcoming despite her lack of correct phrasing when it comes to emotional sensitivity. And now, everything had just seemed to come crashing down. She's always distracted, like she's hiding something, and sometimes she'd grow exceptionally quiet around her. Was she getting bored of her? If not, what else?

Spinel gingerly strokes the rough skin on Pumpkin, watching as she barks happily, nuzzling against her. Well... At least Pumpkin knew how to always shower her with affection.

... Oh.

That's it! Spinel would go find them after a while. She'd surprise them and the other gems at Little Homeworld with... With a _scythe_ show! That would be her _neatest_, greatest idea yet!

She was already excited just from thinking about it. Maybe she'd roar up a huge crowd with the show, and impress the gems, _Peridot_ especially! She would definitely be more inclined to tell her what was on her mind after that.

"Hey, Pumpkin, what do you think of this small little trick?" She wielded her scythe a little, using her body as an advantage to add on to the show, twisting around as she twiddled with the weapon in her hands. Since it was something only she could do, they had always been very impressed.

The pet barked in admiration, watching her keenly. She grinned. "That settles it! I'll do this new trick, and convince Peridot to talk to me! She'll be _so_ impressed." Skidding to a stop in front of the door, she pauses and allows her gem to glow, unlocking the front door that the Bismuth had manufactured specially just because of her arrival. Little Homeworld came into sight immediately.

"Arf!"

"Oh, right. I've to bring you along. Let's go~~"

* * *

It had been evening now, the skies clear and flourished with a darker colour. Around her, gems were either relaxing or chatting with one another with how Little Homeworld was already done up pretty nicely. Spinel fiddled with the button that activated her scythe weapon, careful to keep it out of reach of Pumpkin, biting her bottom lip with anticipation. She skipped faster, looking about for any traces of where they were, making a binoculars out of her own stretchy hands. 

_Hmmm_... She found herself gazing at some foreign gems. _No._... Nope, not them... And... _Aha_!

She cocked her head and blinked a few times just to see if Peridot was being blocked by somebody, but each time she did, she could only see Lapis and Bismuth amongst the crowd of foreign gems, inspecting a piece of wood that was jabbing out from what seemed like a special building. They seemed to be discussing something, before nodding as they come to an agreement.

"Bismuth. Lapis," She greeted, a little distraught as she moved towards them, "Where's Peridot?"

"Oh hey, you decided to come after all," The larger gem exclaimed with a grin, but it was quickly followed by a confused expression. "Didn't you see Peridot? She said she'd return early to check on you."

... _What_.

"She just... Went back?" She asked in mortification.

"Yeah, and she even texted us just now to say that you're doing fine and that we shouldn't hurry on returning." Spinel twitched at the sound of that, disbelief dawning on her features.

But she had seen no one even looking remotely like Peridot on her way here, and given how observant she normally is, there's something very, very wrong. 

Where would she go if she's not with the gems... Or back with Spinel herself? Why would Peridot lie to her friends?

She felt her lips tremble as she tried to form words. Pumpkin seemed to notice what was amiss, staring up at her with what seemed like a worried expression. 

"Yeah, maybe I did miss her," Spinel smiles briefly, uttering a lie, "I'm, uh, going back. I'll take Pumpkin with me." The scythe show now long forgotten, she rushed back towards what once was their haven, activating the door and staring about their place with a hurt expression. 

No one. No one was there.

Peridot had _lied_. 

She paced about the living room, unable to sit still, with Pumpkin staring after her, now utterly silent. What was she up to? Spinel had thought this was about her at first, but now _what_? Why was Peridot lying to her friends? What was she hiding from all of them that they couldn't know?

The door abruptly opens and a visibly flustered Peridot walked in. Her breathing is haggard and she looked a little fearful, but nevertheless she let a smug smile slip onto her face once she saw Spinel. "Oh, hey! Lapis and Bismuth let me come back to check on you."

"Oh," A little unimpressed, Spinel harrumphed, "Of course. What were they doing?"

"Speaking with some other gems. Little Homeworld's doing well so far." 

The response both alarmed and urked her. She narrowed her eyes, not feeling like talking. There's a sense of impending doom dawning on her and she hadn't liked it one bit. She loved being around the gems-- they'd come in at the right time, surrounding her with so much care and -- and whatever she hadn't been able to feel for the past thousands of years. 

But maybe Peridot hadn't been feeling the same way. Maybe the thing she was hiding was bigger than what she thought Lapis and Bismuth should know. What _she_ should know.

She watched the two other gems return, still chattering, but everything felt like a sudden mess to her and herself alone. Peridot was adding herself into the conversation as usual, all of them chuckling at their own silly jokes Spinel would normally laugh at, too.

But it made her even more dubious. 

How many times had Peridot done this? How long has the whole lying thing been going on?

Lapis and Bismuth had trusted _her_. Was she doing something behind their back?

And more importantly, why was she supposed to stay inside the house when Lapis and Bismuth went out? What exactly was Peridot planning?

She swallowed her thoughts audibly and joined in the conversation.


	5. Loser of The Game

The second time Peridot had called Spinel out to stay at their base, the latter had been less than thrilled, her expression betraying all inner thoughts she had to say. She stares unimpressed at the green gem ahead of her as she drabbles on about some insignificant reason, complete with a series of words only a technician like her would know. 

Lapis and Bismuth didn't seem to realise anything but her foul mood. They had asked cautiously if Spinel wanted to come along, too, with which the pink gem shook her head. 

"I want to stay here," She lies, looking away as she lazily sprawls on the couch, her limbs a pool around her. "Just-- tired from the sun, you know?" 

"But it's been raining for the past few days." Lapis points out flatly. 

"Exactly." She cringed at how she was sounding. She didn't want to treat them this way or to shut them out, they were everything to her. But it's just that Peridot's acting weird again, and she'd probably never know what she's up to. 

What if Lapis and Bismuth were hiding something from her, too? What if she was the, the only _stupid_ one thinking that they were treating her genuinely? 

She didn't want to go through the whole process of what happened to her and Pink again. She hated the thought of getting hurt.

"Alright. I guess you can stay here and learn how to quit being a jerk." The blue gem snaps, gesturing for Bismuth to come along, with the latter casting Spinel a nervous, apologetic smile before leaving. Peridot mutters her goodbyes not too long after, leaving her cast out and hidden underneath her blanket. 

_Wait_.

Spinel shot up like an arrow, dusting off her form a little haphazardly as she stood, her limbs going back to normal. She narrowed her eyes and activated the door, watching warily as it slid open. 

The sky was dark, the clouds gathering around making the whole place seem gloomy. She eyed her surroundings before slipping outside, noticing the blob of green a fair distance away. 

Peridot was speaking to Lapis and Bismuth with a strangely nervous look. She nods a little appreciatively at one of Bismuth's replies, and speeds off towards the other direction. 

If she followed Peridot, maybe she'd then know where she was going! 

Spinel didn't even hesitate, going after her shadow, careful to leave some distance between them as she stalks behind Peridot. She watched as the other gem ducked around the streets, suspiciously looking around her from time to time, as if guilty of some crime she was about to commit. Narrowing her eyes, she tip-toed forward, trying not to let her bouncy shoe noises expose her presence.

Peridot peered around the area, scanning it of any familiar faces. She exhaled shakily when she seemed to notice what she came for, her breath hitched as she made her way up the wooden stairs on a wooden... Building.

Spinel cast her gaze up in disbelief, trying to remember when she'd seen it. She vaguely recalled seeing the building somehow, but--

"Peridot! We're back!" 

That sickening voice made a chill run past her spine. She watched as the Steven boy, along with his gem friends, return to the exact wooden structure resembling a base, and that's when she remembered.

She remembered how she'd broken out, in a frenzy, with the gems still staring after her condescendingly. She remembered being ridiculed and her problems being forgotten with just a simple speech from that Amethyst, because it didn't matter; because all she had to do was _move on. _

_As if it was so easy._

And she definitely remembered how that Pearl deserved to be poofed like how she did to Spinel thousands of years ago.

But that wasn't the point.

What was _Peridot, _out of anyone else, doing at their base? She felt like yelling out towards them at the sight of Peridot ushering them in quickly, with the green gem looking about in suspicion before shutting the door.

Swiftly, Spinel headed towards their base. She was going to get answers, and this was _not_ going to end pretty.

The voices coming from the inside of the base halted her for a second, however. She could hear their conversations from the inside with how there was a small slit of the door left open. Standing by it, she listened keenly.

"Well? How's Spinel?" Steven's voice came through first, with a touch of concern. "Is she doing fine? How'd she even end up with you guys in the first place?"

"That doesn't matter." Peridot was speaking now, her tone frustrated. "She's being doing fine for the past few... Months, I suppose. But I need your help, Steven."

"What'd she do?" Amethyst's lazy voice. 

"Well-- as much as I hate to say this, Spinel is of a major threat to Beach City."

_What_? Hearing those words from who seemed to be her friend made her feel wobbly all over. 

"Well, she's-- a Spinel gem. Specifically made for entertainment for Pink Diamond. But what's caught onto my attention is how well she ranges in combat as well despite not being physically equipped for it."

"That's fine. I wasn't made to fight either, but I did. I don't see what's wrong with that." The Pearl explains.

"No. You don't get it. She's been trapped for thousands of years when you learnt how to sword fight. Yet, without any basics taught to her, she's already known how to wield her body to gain an advantage, and her scythe--" A video was playing with her voice in it, "-- seems to be a fitting weapon which she is able to manipulate."

"But she's not harming anyone." The fusion utters. 

"Exactly, but she'd been emotionally unstable before. I'd bet that none of you will be able to hold up against her in a fight when she's angered." 

"So, we gotta poof her and keep her in a bubble? I mean, I don't get it. So what if she's a major threat? It's not like there's anything around that'd trigger her to fight us."

"And are you going to risk it?" Peridot kept away her files with a wave of her hand. "Steven, you told me Sugilite was a major disaster as well. Did you two mean to have it out this way?"

Amethyst and Garnet shared a glance, both of them casting their gaze down a little, uncomfortable with this topic. That brought back a lot of pain to them-- and tears from Pearl. 

"Well, that's it. Spinel may be our friend now, but she's not going to be if she becomes emotionally unstable. We need to minimise the risks for Little Homeworld to be built successfully. And as much as I hate to say it, that means getting _her_ out of the picture." Peridot's hand swiped across a picture of Spinel, crossing her out.

All while she watched, eyes wide, unknowing of how she should feel.

"Peridot, do you have any clue what you're saying?" A sudden voice erupted behind her. Spinel turns, shell-shocked at the new presence, seeing Lapis's disapproving look behind her. She hadn't even realised the other gem was behind her, listening in as well. "Spinel _won't_ hurt us. _Hah_, this is all just a big joke, isn't it? I was just thinking about why she was behaving this way today, too. But I can't believe it was actually because of _you_."

"Lapis!" Peridot's eyes widened, and then her voice arched down to a dubious whisper. "Were you _following_ me?"

"Were _you_ trying to hurt Spinel?" The blue gem retorted. "Come on, Spinel, let's go. We don't have to listen to them." 

Without even a farewell whatsoever, Lapis picks her up and flies off, ignoring Peridot's calls behind them. They reached a secluded spot before she was set down.

"I knew something was bothering you, but I didn't know it was _this_." Lapis ran a hand through her hair, sighing, "Don't worry. I'll protect you, okay? Just-- don't be scared." She looked so ready to help her. It wasn't as if she was scared at all, like she already had plan A and B all the way to plan Z planned out for her.

But Spinel knew she was afraid. Lapis had _always_ been afraid. She, too, had been trapped for thousands for years because of a crime she didn't commit. But the fact that she's trying to look strong and go against who she's called her friends and family made Spinel realise something.

Lapis didn't deserve this.

"You shouldn't have said that to Peridot." She mutters, a little slowly.

"_Excuse me_?"

"She was right. I _am_ emotionally unstable." Thoughts were running through her head. Her hands were kept on her knees, and she hadn't even realised she was shaking. "I can poof you right this instant, Lapis Lazuli. I'm a _monster_."

That's right. _Leave._ Go back to who you deserve to be with.

"Don't you see? Nobody's ever willing to stay. I don't want to have my hopes rise up to have it be crushed again. Pink did it once, and I'm not going to let myself be hurt again." 

"No," Lapis stepped closer. "_I'm_ not going to hurt you. I was hurt too, but I--"

"Oh, Lapis," She gazed up with her with sickening eyes, a smirk on her face as she shook her head, "Oh, sweet, sweet Lapis Lazuli. Always trying to play the good guy. Always trying to help and make everything seem swell." Spinel's tone was dripping with sarcasm as she ran her fingers over the edge of her eye, where the little tear-like designs manifested. "But guess what? You _can't_. You can't because I'm _ruined_. Because nobody wants me anymore. And you probably do, now, but you won't. Because that's who I am."

"Spinel, I--"

"Go away." She curls in on herself, clutching her hair, her voice on edge. "Please. Please just go away-- go away right _now_. I don't want to hurt you."

She waits. The nails of her thumb were pressing so much into her index finger that it had turned into an utter, terrified white. She bites her lip, keeping her head down, waiting.

"Spinel--"

"GO AWAY, I said."

Lapis stands, taut, the atmosphere tense around her. She considers the situation before her for a long time before she sighs and nods. 

"Okay. But you can always find me if you need help." She sounded dejected. "Should I tell Bismuth about this?"

Oh. _Oh shit. _Bismuth. She hadn't even-- she'd totally forgotten about the carefree gem. Bismuth would probably hate her from now on. 

It wasn't like she had anything else to lose, anyway.

Lapis surveyed her for another moment. Hearing no reply, she simply sighed, spread her wings, and left without another word, leaving her behind.

_That's how it should be. _

_Because deep down... I'm just a freak._

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome!!~ I would love to know your thoughts on this fic :D


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